Byline: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS
Have you noticed that unsolicited e-mails are becoming more and more strident?
The intention, obviously, is to shake us out of our lethargy. After all, the e-mail bombardment isn't like Chinese water torture, in which each succeeding drip has greater impact. It's the reverse: Each succeeding drip generates the reaction, "Here's another drip."
But tell that to the senders who belong to the "Scare the hell out of them" school of communication. For example, a dire e-mail offer begins:
Are you tired of being overwhelmed by your bills?
Feeling as if is there nothing you can do about it?
Gee, guys, you're generally right and specifically wrong. I'm overwhelmed, all right...by e-mail like yours. And what am I doing about it? I'm writing this.
Another offer to bail me out:
Free Debt Consolidation
* No Home Ownership Required
* No Credit Checks
* One, Easy, Low Monthly Payment
* FREE, No Obligation Consultation
I felt like sending a pre-investigation Martha Stewart reply: "Do you know whom you're talking to?" (Martha would have said "who.")
A more logical e-mail offer:
Would you like some Extra income? I'm not talking about getting rich. I'm talking about a few hundred a week. All you have to do is sit in front of your computer for a couple hours a day!
The deal is obviously phony. I've sat in front of my computer all day, and they haven't sent me a dime.
A less ominous but equally refusable offer came to me from an F. Lee Bailey wannabe:
How would you like a Top Rated Law Firm working for you, your family and your business for PENNIES A DAY?
Whether it's a simple speeding ticket or an extensive Child Custody Case, we cover all 26 areas of the legal system.
As intrigued as I am by the revelation that the legal system has 26 areas, at the moment I'm clear of speeding tickets and both ends of paternity suits.
A different challenge:
Dear Herschell, how smart are you? Take your free IQ test!
The exclamation point sort of leaches the scientific aspect out, doesn't it? Clicking through, I got a mix of book and astrology offers so complicated even my 200 IQ couldn't handle them.
But I was reborn with this one (I've eliminated part of it, because in its entirety it would fill this whole page):
"Here's The God's-Honest Truth About How To REALLY Make Money Online From Home"
URGENT: Your COMPLETE Jump-Start Money-Making Home...Business and EZ Study Materials are waiting for you to claim them today ONLY. Due to the time-sensitive nature of this opportunity, we must give your package to someone else if you do not respond in time.
Click The Link Below NOW To See If Your Package Is Still Available
Oh, my God, what if I'm too late! They may be so annoyed they'll contact the next-in-line without using initial caps! I clicked, and an on-screen clock was ticking down the seconds. Hurry! Hurry! Ah, at last! For $39 I can have the God's honest truth and stop getting ripped off by (other?) Internet Marketing Scammers.
In defense of this deal, the postscript had power:
I absolutely guarantee you'll be making at least $200 a week within 60 days, or I'll refund you're entire registration fee plus pay you $10 extra out of my own pocket - And you get to keep all $1,470 worth of bonuses - You can't lose!
Tell you what, Buddy: For $39 I'll clean up your grammar so your future offers won't say "I'll refund you're entire registration fee." After all, God has perfect grammar and the inalienable right to initial caps, doesn't He/She?
Here's one that strikes home: "Are you WORRIED about what your spouse is doing on the Internet?"
Damn right I'm worried about what my spouse is doing. She's ordering stuff at a discount well below retail prices. That's worrisome, isn't it?
Then there's "STOP SMOKING WITH HYPNOSIS!!" Sorry, buddy, I'm not smoking with Hypnosis nor Garfoulis nor Paralysis nor any of those guys from Athens. In fact, I only smoke filched cigars, so if you want to hit me in the kishkes a better approach is "HYPNOSIS WILL HELP YOU STOP FILCHING CIGARS!" And didn't anyone explain to you that one exclamation point is stronger than two?
Get this one:
WE GUARANTEE IT!!! IF you are not approved by at least one of our credit card providers we will refund your membership fee by 200%.
A closer look tells me I have to come up with 50 bucks, have to have a valid Social Security or taxpayer ID number, have to be 18 years of age or older, have to have a valid checking or savings account, have to have a job that pays me at least $850 a month, and have to have a phone number. Hey, guys, I hate to rain on your parade, but if I have all those I can get a credit card and use the 50 bucks to buy a Cohiba cigar.
One of the strangest e-mails I've had in months was this one:
We Can Reduce Your Debt FAST Consolidate all your Bills into one Easy Monthly Payment
* "Never say 'Hello' if you really mean 'Goodbye'..Never say you want something if you aren't willing to try..Never say you're going to if you never plan to start..Never hold my hand if you know you'll break my heart" *
Strange, but an easy challenge. I never said hello, and I certainly am saying goodbye. I don't want something and I'm not going to start. Hold your hand? You mean claw, don't you, with those odd front and back symbols?
So it goes. In just a couple of days I've been contacted by a batch of people who want to give me money, a law firm that can identify 26 areas, and God. What's the matter, George W., don't you have my e-mail address?
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 26 books are "Marketing Mayhem," "On the Art of Writing Copy" and the recently published "Effective E-mail Marketing."
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